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If football clubs were musical artists…

Have you ever wondered which bands or singers most closely resemble Premier League football clubs? Of course you haven’t, why would you? However, that hasn’t stopped us putting together a list of 12 of them. If you can think of any more, let us know on Twitter!


Man City / Nicki Minaj

You might assume that we would lazily opt for Oasis. In fact City are most similar to the American rapper Nicki Minaj. Most of the world hadn’t heard of them until 2010 and both are 90% plastic.


Man Utd / Sam Smith

When Sam Smith rose to prominence in 2014 he was slightly stocky to say the least. However, the singer has worked hard to lose an incredible 3.5 stone since then. For that reason he is closest to Man Utd, as neither are anywhere near as big as they used to be.


Chelsea / Coldplay

It’s fair to say that Chelsea and Coldplay share many similarities. They’re both hugely popular and have enjoyed staggering success, yet eveyone you speak to about them seems to hate them.


Liverpool / Rick Astley

Liverpool and Rick Astley are desperate to recapture their 80s success but, despite a recent revival, will eventually become irrelevant again. Both have just one song which they sing over and over and over again.


Arsenal / Bob Geldof

Historically Arsenal and Bob Geldof are both semi-relevant in the build up to Christmas before fading into obscurity in the New Year. Both tend to be very charitable away from home.


Tottenham / One Direction

The average Spurs season is typically similar to the rise and fall of One Direction. It begins with hopeful fans passionately declaring their love for Harry before everything goes tits up and they are left crying hysterically.


Everton / Solange Knowles

Just like Solange, Everton are desperate for success in their own right but are condemned to spend eternity living in the shadow of a far bigger and more talented sibling.


Watford / Blazing Squad

What can you say about a side captained by Troy Deeney? They’re loud, aggressive and desperately want you to think they’re hard but most people just laugh at them.


Crystal Palace / Sinitta

Both seem to stay in the public eye despite never having done anything of note other than being screwed by a bloke called Simon.


Bournemouth / Kylie Minogue

They’re small, they’re easy on the eye but, unfortunately, they’ll inevitably go back down under in the end.


Burnley / Oasis

Gruff northerners who are as interested in kicking the living shit out of you as doing their actual jobs.


Newcastle / U2

Absolutely nowhere near as important or relevant as they seem to think they are. Led by an egotistical bloke with a Messiah Complex.


West Ham / The Beatles

Many regard The Beatles as the most iconic band of all time, so is this a huge complement to West Ham? No. It’s because neither have done anything since the 70s and their most talented member always forces his way out.



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