The festive season is upon us and, as such, it seemed compulsory to put together a cringe-worthy Christmas-themed football XI. Would we pick an entire team from Turkey? Would Frankincense Lampard, Harry Candy Kane and Nile Manger make the cut? Read on to find out for yourself.
Goalkeeper – Darren Rudolph
The Middlesbrough stopper has been with the club since leaving West Ham in 2017. Generally a safe pair of hands, you can be confident that with him between the sticks you won’t be left with a red face, or nose.
Left back – Sleighton Baines
The Everton legend is well accustomed to snow having spent his entire career in the northwest for The Toffees and Wigan. With a name like that, you won’t need to panic when he slides in.
Centre back – Zat Silent Knight
The twice-capped England international enjoyed the best years of his career at Fulham and Bolton before retiring to enjoy some heavenly peace in 2015. With him marshalling the defence, you can rest assured that all is calm, all is bright.
Centre back – Per Myrhh-tesacker
With 147 appearance for Werder Bremen, 156 for Arsenal and 104 caps for Germany, his wealth of experience means that this wise man fully deserves his spot in our team.
Right back – Hector Jingle Bellerin
Another Arsenal representative in our defence, the mobile full back would be a joy to behold dashing through the snow in the winter months. Based on Arsenal’s terrible start to the season, we reckon Bellerin would be laughing all the way to a transfer.
Defensive midfield – Fabian Elf
Appearances for the Everton and England star have been in short supply so far this season. He’s spent half of the season injured since joining. Perhaps Everton need to review their elf and safety.
Attacking midfield – Paul Pogbah Humbug
This Scrooge-like character is often accused of caring about money more than anything else. Earns a spot in our midfield after beating out stiff competition from Tiny Tim Cahill.
Attacking Midfield – Santa Claus-orla
Despite measuring just 5 foot 4, the diminutive former-Arsenal playmaker could never be accused of lacking presents in midfield. Often injured towards the end of his spell at the club, fans grew accustomed to only seeing him once a year.
Left wing – Ryan Bauble
The twinkle-toed forward shone in short spells during his spell at Liverpool. We’re playing him in our 4-3-3 although he’s probably best suited to a Christmas Tree formation.
Right wing – Gabriel Baby Jesus
Never mind no crib for a bed, this Jesus is more concerned about no place in the City starting XI with Sergio Aguero the preferred choice. Forced to take his chances when they come whether that’s at home, at the Etihad, or away, in a manger.
Striker – Andy Christmas Carroll
Defences know that they won’t be in for a silent night when they face the big Geordie. Whether it’s blazing sunshine or in the bleak midwinter, Carroll and his stylish ponytail are bound to bring joy to the world.